Cheesy Horror Movies You Can’t Miss

Not too long ago I wrote an article about the best books you probably haven’t read. I said it would be a great way to kick off a conversation with your webcam buddy. Unfortunately, not everyone is as into books as I am, so literature might not be the most helpful conversational piece during those awkward pauses. But I haven’t met anyone yet who doesn’t love movies. Or at least like movies. There are a ton of genres out there, but my favourite are horror movies. More specifically, cheesy horror movies. When a horror movie tries, and fails completely, there is nothing more entertaining, James Cameron be damned. So if you have nothing to say to your friend over a webcam, just watch ones of these and laugh at other people’s failure.

Sleepaway Camp (1983)

Something about the 80’s made summer camps seem terrifying to people. Somehow sack races and smores got mixed up with blood and death in the public’s consciousness. People thought parents weren’t really sending their kids away for fun in the sun, but fun while running from an ancient, unstoppable evil. Sleepaway Camp explores the full horror of these camps, with terrible special effects, bad acting even by 80’s standards, hilarious deaths (boats! beehives!) and wooden dialogue. It is something of a cult classic. That may seem strange, since Sleepaway Camp sounds like hundreds of other B-horror movies from the 80’s. You probably wouldn’t understand its cult status until the last five minutes or so. That’s when they reveal the twist ending. I won’t ruin it for you, but it’s a big one.

Black Christmas (1974)

I’m not talking about the remake here, since I haven’t seen it and remakes suck. I’m talking about the original. For some reason, Black Christmas often gets labelled as a “classic.” Yes, it is notable that they got on film one of the few times Margot Kidder wasn’t scratching at the walls and chasing squirrels, but this movie is not scary. Sure, it has startling moments, but startling doesn’t equal scary. Do you know what makes something scary? That “oh, God, this could happen to me” feeling. This movie could never happen to you, because you’re not a complete idiot. The movie takes place at a sorority house, at a college that has to have the lowest admission standards imaginable. A bunch of girls wander around getting agitated by obscene phone calls that they listen to for about twenty minutes (seriously, time the scene) and pass the time by not wondering why all their friends are mysteriously disappearing. It’s not like anyone else in this fictional universe is much smarter, since when the police find a unconscious girl who was nearly murdered, they decide to put her in her bed and leave her alone in a gigantic, dark house. Black Christmas is terrible, but the drunken den mother makes up for it.

Halloween: H20 (1998)

It might be unfair to include sequels, but this one took itself so damn seriously, I think it deserves a spot. It isn’t fun if the movies don’t try. Probably everyone is familiar with the story of Michael Myers and Laurie Strode. Laurie is the definitive final girl, while Michael was one of the first unstoppable killers. The first two Halloween movies are amazing, and pretty much created the slasher flick trend. The problem with H20 (besides its name) is that it wants to be like Scream, ignoring the fact that Scream didn’t cast a middle-aged woman as its heroine. Now, I love Jamie Lee Curtis. She got me onto Activia and my life has never been the same. And older woman can be badass actresses. But one role they shouldn’t take is the lead of a slasher film. Why? Because it’s like watching your mom be the lead of a slasher film. H20 would’ve been forgettable without Jamie Lee Curtis, but with her, it’s pretty funny. “Oh my God Mom, hide under some tables, the killer is coming! Yes, steal that ambulance!”

Night of the Living Dead (1968)

I’m going to take some heat for this one, I get that. I know Night of the Living Dead is a classic, as it should be. It introduced the modern idea of zombies to the world, and zombies are just cool. The thing is, this film has not aged well. We have some concepts now that weren’t as developed back then. Mainly, feminism. It is shocking how useless the women were in this film. Barbra enters a catatonic state about five minutes into the movie and we never hear from her again. And she’s the heroine! Compare her to the Barbra from the 1990 remake (one of the few remakes that didn’t suck) who becomes awesome when confronted with the zombie apocalypse. I get that some people wouldn’t be able to handle it, but why does it have to be the women? Judy, another female character from the movie, is also begging to be thrown to the zombies, she sucks so bad. And was everyone a really bad actor back then? The emotions they display don’t resemble anything vaguely human.

Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966)

It’s hard to decide whether Manos or Plan 9 From Outer Space is the worst movie ever made. Sure, Plan 9 had an actor die early in filming, and instead of reshooting his scenes, they replaced him with a tall hairdresser and a cape. But I firmly believe Manos is worse. I won’t bother to describe plot, because there isn’t one. Instead, lets me describe how completely Manos fails. For starters, the beginning of the film was supposed to be of a young family driving through the country while the opening credits played. Unfortunately, someone forgot to put the opening credits in, so the first ten minutes are just of a family driving. Not talking, not being chased. Just driving. The pointlessness is broken up by watching trees and fields pass by. Manos also has an amazing moment where a woman says its getting dark while literally shielding her eyes from the bright afternoon sun. There are a million moments like this, but Manos is the worst film ever because of what happened at its premiere. People actually started throwing their shoes at the screen. Do you know how bad a movie has to be for people to throw their shoes at the screen? Do you know what a pain in the ass that would be? You have to take off your shoe, throw it, pad your way down to the screen, and find your two shoes from the hundreds of others. That’s a bad movie.

So what did you think? What are some of the movies you would add to the list?