The World’s Most Useless Products

I love infomercials. I feel like they are an unappreciated art form in our society. The Magic Bullet infomercial is damn near Shakespearian, with it’s large cast of characters, all with their own flaws and brilliance (actually, they’re all painfully cheerful, except for the old lady who clearly has dementia.) The problem with staying up late and watching infomercials is that after a while they can start to break down your common sense and various cognitive functions, making you believe buying the garbage they’re peddling would be a good idea. I bought products that promised to give me the physique of a Greek god, make me a master chef, and help me to quit smoking. Yet, shockingly, there are dying people in better shape than me, I’ve poisoned myself more than once with my cooking, and I’m currently chewing Nicorette gum wishing everyone was dead. Here are the most useless gadgets you will find.

1. The Magic Bullet

I’m going to link to the infomercial, since it’s amazing. Unfortunately, the product itself isn’t that great. Do you have a blender? Congratulations, you have a less expensive Magic Bullet. The problem is that all those promises they made about the Magic Bullet cutting down the time you’ll spend in the kitchen is not true. This thing sucks at chopping. You pretty much have too options when it comes to how you want your food chopped: 1) Giants chunks of food (yummy if you’re using onions) 2) Mush. You are better off gluing safety scissors to a fan and throwing your food at it for the results you are going to get. Also, did you notice during the infomercial everything they put into the processor was a tiny version of actual food, like baby carrots and tomatoes? That’s because this thing can’t handle regular sized fruits and vegetables. And about a month after you buy it something will either wear down or break, since it’s about as durable as a bubble. The only thing the Magic Bullet is actually good at is mixing drinks, which, again, blender. Don’t let the toothy actors fool you, this product will not make your life any better. In fact, it might make it just a little bit worse.

Consumer review:

“We had purchased this and wow!! It seemed to be a great idea because it’s the 2 of us. Little did we know that it was really a let down. Nothing like it claims to be. Everytime we used it to chop veggies it always came out like mush!!! Our salsa came out looking like tomato puree and our guacomole came out looking like green baby poop. Better off going with that “slap-chop” contraption the sham-wow dude was pushing.”

2. Electronic Ab Exerciser

There are actually a few different brands of electronic ab exercisers, which means the idea was popular enough to have someone copycat it. I never really understood the logic behind this contraption. Electricity leads to physical fitness? Are there are a group of people who were struck by lightening and suddenly found themselves in sick shape? Or is it that by stimulating your muscles in a certain way, you’re strengthening them without having to do any work yourself? It’s true that electronically stimulating muscles will strengthen them slightly, but that doesn’t give you a six pack. What gives you a six pack is not having a layer of fat over your abs. Plus, electronically stimulating your muscles isn’t that effective. You could hire someone to jiggle your stomach all day and get similar results. Actually, you’d be better off having someone jiggle your stomach, since electronic ab exercisers have been known to cause shocks and burns on a patient. The FDA has stepped in and warned consumers against buying these products. So instead of getting rock hard abs, you’re getting third degree burns. And for only $200! That’s a bargain.

Consumer review:

“I ordered my belt a month ago and have been using it ever since and I see absolutely no difference. I gave it to my wife to try and she got a pretty nasty shock…so it’s not all bad.”

3. The Snuggie

I know a lot of people have these. Those people are sad! The Snuggie represents the classic infomercial marketing tactic. First you invent a problem no one has ever had and then convince people your worthless product is the solution. Lets look at the actual infomercial. “You want to keep warm when you have a chill, but you don’t want to raise the heating bill.” I put on a blanket. “Blankets are okay…” Exactly. “But they can slip and slide.” I don’t think you know how to correctly operate a blanket. “And when you need to reach for something, your hands are trapped inside.” You have to be incredibly disabled, I mean no arms or legs, to be trapped within a blanket. The rest of the infomercial pretty much tries to sell you on the revolutionary concept of keeping warm while you operate your limbs. I get that a blanket can be kind of cumbersome, but…how about a sweater? It goes on to tell you about all the different types of people who can use the Snuggie. A husband and wife (who settled)! A child (who secretly hates her parents)! An old person (who thinks it’s 1946)! A pet owner (who gave up on love long ago)! A college student (who has no friends)! Yes, no matter how pathetic you are, you too can be a Snuggie owner. Also, they suggest you wear them in public, just in case you want to know what complete social isolation feels like.

Consumer Review:

“It’s a monk’s robe, it’s a hospital gown made out of fleece (and who doesn’t LOVE hospital downs) it’s a bathrobe worn backwards, you HAVE to buy 2 of these dumb blankets at $10 a piece and pay $16 shipping for them. A total of $36 for some ridiculous backwards fleece robe. “

4. The Flowbee

Tired of paying an outrageous price to get your hair cut? Sick of using your vacuum cleaner just for the its intended purpose of vacuuming? Wish you could have a haircut that screamed “I keep mutilated body parts in my basement”? Well, you’re in luck! Introducing the Flowbee! It’s as easy as one, two, three. One: Hook the Flowbee up to your vacuum cleaner, ignoring that nagging voice in the back of head that wonders if this is really a great idea. Two: Awkwardly maneuver the Flowbee around your head, making sure every single piece of hair is a different length than the rest. Three: Come to the realization that you are not a barber and invest in hats. The infomercial’s main selling point is how much money you will save by not having to go to the stylist anymore. If you can do your nails at home, why not your hair? Well, the problem is that your hair is pretty much your largest defining feature. Ever had a bad nail day? No, and even if you did, it wouldn’t matter, because hardly anyone notices your nails. Everyone notices your hair from the first second they see you. You can save even more money by not going to the stylist, not buying a Flowbee, and cutting your own hair. You would look insane, but you’re not going to look much better with a Flowbee cut.
Consumer review:

“I love cutting my hair with my vacuum cleaner! Next I’m going to brush my teeth with my razor and give myself a rectal exam with my toothbrush.”

5. Tiddy Bear

For all the other products, I could kind of see the logic behind them. I think they’re stupid, but they kind of make sense. A Magic Bullet is an expensive blender. The electronic ab exercisers do strengthen abs, so might as well lie and say they’ll give you a six pack. The Snuggie probably does keep you warm. And there are some people cheap enough to give themselves a haircut (or more likely their children) with a vacuum cleaner. There is no logic behind the Tiddy Bear. It’s purpose is to be attachment to a seatbelt, making seatbelts more comfortable or to protect you from them or something. One woman complains that her shoulder strap “cuts” into her skin, because she apparently ordered the limited edition seatbelt made out of knives. Another woman complains that her shoulder strap is so tight she “could barely breathe.” I’m no doctor, but maybe, just maybe, if the pressure of a seatbelt is enough to kill you, you shouldn’t be in a car at all. I don’t know how the Tiddy bear stops the endless cuts and pressure, but going off of the vacant smiles of the actresses wearing the Tiddy bear, it does. And it’s comfortable! Just like having a stuffed toy strapped to your chest.

Consumer review:

Like anyone has actually bought this thing.

6. Facial Flex

Well, here was are. The Facial Flex. It’s not surprising that another exercise device has made the list. It’s simple logic: we all want to look good, exercise makes us look good, exercise is hard, most people are lazy, so why couldn’t there be a device that gives you that tight, ripped look without any of the work? Because that’s not how physics works. But as long as there are people out there willing to believe, companies will keep shelling out this garbage. But at least the belt doesn’t look like something out of a bondage fetish’s basement. Seriously, look at the infomercial. Those people look like backwoods murders you find when your van breaks down in Texas. The results you can expect from the Facial Flex is looking like you’ve had way to much plastic surgery. But lets go to the consumer review:

“I bought this [the Facial Flex] from QVC and used it faithfully for 2 months. No firming in the jowl area whatsoever, but what I did get was smoker’s lines above my lips, and I have never smoked a cigarnette in my entire life. So if you are using the Facial Flex, keep a lookout for those vertical lines forming above your lips. I am still trying to get rid of them, and so far I am having no luck.”

7. Easy Toothbrush

Easy Toothbrush’s main selling point is that a square toothbrush doesn’t work for a circular mouth. You may notice that there is very little science to back up that statement. Also, a square toothbrush is life brushing with knifes, but with a circular toothbrush it’s like lying on a heavenly cloud. I don’t get how this is even a product. Don’t they sell these at the drugstore?

Consumer Review:

Except for that picture up there and the commercial, I’m not sure anyone knows what an Easy Toothbrush is. Certainly not enough to review it.

What was the most useless product you ever bought?